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| Joliet Jackhammers | 131 |
Notice: All logos on this page are included within the parameters of 17 U.S.C. § 107, which states that the reproduction of a copyrighted work for purposes of criticism and/or comment is not an infringement of copyright. No challenge to the copyrights of these logos is intended by their inclusion here.
Posted 2010 May 23
This past winter, the Joliet
Jackhammers put up a billboard which generated no small amount of
controversy. You can see a picture of it to the right. At one point
they also had a billboard with an opposing viewpoint: one that said
"Don't buy Jackhammers tickets" and signed "The Devil". Supposedly,
this was in conjunction with a promotion wherein a portion of the money
a customer spent on tickets would be donated to the customer's place of
worship or (for the hellbound heathens who nevertheless are willing to
buy baseball tickets during this promotion) the customer's charity of
choice.
I could comment on this, but I think it's clear no one in the Jackhammers organization seriously expects us to believe an omniscient being (or, on the other hand, the ultimate evil) cares one way or the other whether you buy baseball tickets for a local minor league team. No, God clearly has more important priorities, such as who wins the game. Don't believe me? Just listen to athletes talking after a game. To hear them tell it, God takes a personal interest in their performance and in the performance of their team. And since you can hear comments like this from athletes on just about any team, one can only assume that God must take an active interest in the outcome of every single sporting event on the planet. Seriously: every last one of them. Even curling, for crying out loud. And given the people I know who are concerned with lots of sporting events, this can only mean one thing: God is a gambling addict.
This is a horrifying thought. If my co-worker loses all his money because the Lions unexpectedly beat the Packers, he's going to be hungry until payday. If God loses all of His money because the Lions unexpectedly beat the Packers...well, that's not really an issue, because God is both omniscient and omnipotent, so it shouldn't be possible for for Him to lose all his money because the Lions unexpectedly beat the Packers. But God betting all His money on the Lions and winning (which, let's face it, could only happen via divine intervention) could be even worse. There's not enough money in Las Vegas to pay God if He bets all his money. That will be true even if the payout is 1:1, and I think we all know that they payout on the Detroit Lions winning would be 20:1, minimum. God could destroy the American economy — nay, the world economy — with such a bet. Admittedly, He could also just wave his hand and put enough money in the casino's bank account to pay such a bet. But can you imagine the inflation that would result from that much money being added to the economy? Here's my advice: the next time you pray, forget about getting that promotion or world peace or any of that insignificant stuff. Pray that God will start going to Gambler's Anonymous.
But let's say that God and the Devil really are interested in the Joliet Jackhammers organization. They fight over whether the team wins or loses. They fight over whether you buy tickets. They may even fight over the logo. Who do you suppose won that fight? I think God did. No, seriously. Remember that all the vanities of this world belong to Satan. Remember that struggling artists sell their souls to the Devil for untold talent, fame, and fortune. Do you really think the guy who came up with this logo has any of these things in untold amounts? If the Devil had won the Battle of the Logo, it would look better.
If the guy who drew this had sold his
soul to the Devil, then the jackhammer probably wouldn't have a mouth,
and at the very least the mouth wouldn't look like a commode. The
jackhammer would have either two hands or none at all. It wouldn't have
rivets. The cord would actually go somewhere, or would have been left
out entirely. Yes, Mr. Designer, you could have left the cord out. You
put eyes and hands and toilets on the thing, so clearly you understand
the concept of "artistic license". But I don't think you understand it
very well. Maybe the Devil can explain it to you should the two of you
ever meet. People who have spoken with the Devil understand this sort
of thing. But don't ask me to explain it. If you've read the crap I
write, you know I haven't made any deals with any supernatural beings,
either.
Final Score: 131 points.
Penalties: Alliteration, 5 pts; Equipment, 13 pts; Letter, 24 pts;
Humanoid, 30 pts; Cartoon, 47 pts; Logo, 12 pts.
Bonuses: None.