Rochester Red Wings

161

Let's start by giving credit where credit is due: The Rochester Red Wings are the oldest minor league baseball team playing today. How old? So old that they debuted in the 19th Century, that's how old. That makes them older than every professional team playing in North America that you can name, in any sport, with only five exceptions: the Chicago Cubs, Cincinnati Reds, Philadelphia Phillies, Pittsburgh Pirates, and St. Louis Cardinals. That's impressive. The "Red Wings" name isn't quite so old, dating "only" back to 1929, but that still makes them older than hockey's Detroit Red Wings, who didn't start using that name until 1932. I don't know if Rochester's use of "Rochester Red Wings" can be traced back to the Cincinnati Red Stockings, but I rather suspect it can, if only because the more I learn about baseball the more I learn that every team's name can somehow be traced back to the Cincinnati Red Stockings. It's the ultimate source of the Boston Red Sox, the Chicago White Sox (indeed, every "sox" team), the Cincinnati Reds (not the same team), and probably even the Seattle Mariners if I could only figure out how. They're that influential.

The logo, however, is clearly the product of a more modern era. One hundred years ago, the team probably wouldn't have had a logo in the first place, and if they did it would have likely been little more than the word "Red Wings" written in a particular script, or maybe even just an "R". But this logo embodies everything about the modern era. The cartoon character who is an anthropomorphized animal. The colored jerseys instead of the old fashioned white and grey. And, of course, the steroids.

Oh, don't tell me you weren't thinking it, too. Look at those arms. There is nothing which wasn't manufactured at BALCO that explains arms like that. And it's not just the arms. Surely you've heard the reports that steroids can shrink, um, certain portions of the male anatomy. Look at this character. It's not just that his upper arms have a bigger circumference than his waist. It's that his chest at the shoulder has a circumference nearly twice the circumference of his waist. This is some serious shrinkage, folks. Or maybe the waist hasn't shrunk, but he's started to grow breasts. That's another potential side effect of steroids.

Finally, I ask you: Does that bizarre grin not look like the clenched teeth of someone in the last few seconds before the 'roid rage kicks in?

Normally, I dislike cartoony logos because they're clearly intended to appeal to children. But I don't think that's the intent here. To be honest, I don't know what the motivation here is. Is this intended to be a warning to children? "Hey, kid, do you know why you shouldn't do steroids? Well, here's why. See? It turns you into a maniac with tits and no nuts. You don't want that, do you? What's that? You say we shouldn't assume only little boys go to baseball games and that your name is Emily and you look forward to having tits? Well, in that case, you shouldn't be in such a hurry to grow up. How old are you, anyway, Emily? Unless you're at least ten you shouldn't be thinking about secondary sexual characteristics yet, and you don't look like you're even out of kindergarten. Seriously, girl, you're totally creeping us out here. Go find your dad and tell him he's not raising you well. Oh, and by the way, even if you do want to grow boobs way before any kid has a right to be growing them, do you also want to be covered with red feathers? Yeah, the 'roids did that, too, Emily. We're telling you: stay away from steroids! They're nothing but trouble!"

Or maybe there's a more sinister motive at play here. Maybe this is a subtle advertisement to players: "Hey, guys, come play for us. We're so into steroids that we put Rudy the Roid-Ridden Redbird in our logo! We'll make sure you don't get caught!" If this is the case, then I really have a hard time respecting the Red Wings. Not that I respect telling a little girl in kindergarten to tell her dad he's a lousy parent, either. And by the way, don't assume it wasn't her mom who brought her to the game, you sexist pigs!

But Occam's Razor suggests that the simplest explanation that explains all the data is the best explanation. So is there a simpler suggeston than bizarre undertones of controlled substance? How about the nice, simple explanation that the artist didn't do a very good job? Yeah, that's probably the best explanation. But even so, you really should stay away from steroids, Emily. They're nothing but trouble.

Final Score: 161 points.
Penalties: Alliteration, 5 pts; Diamond, 16 pts; Humanoid, 30 pts; Cartoon, 47 pts; Player, 51 pts; Logo, 12 pts.
Bonuses: None.