Alaska Aces

40

I'm choosing to interpret the Alaska Aces logo as a literal rendering, and all I can say is, "Holy shit!" This is a logo to make you crap your pants and simultaneously wonder what kind of drugs you've been taking.

First of all, this is the biggest damn bear I've ever seen in my life. Look at it: It's head is as big as a mountain. Not the whole bear: just its freaking head. If mountains in Alaska are the same size as mountains in the Appalachians, then I'd estimate the whole bear is approximately the size of Delaware.

Second, there's the size of the trees. They're as tall as the mountains. And not the small mountain in front — there are mountains twice as tall in the back. And the trees are as tall as that. So we're talking a tree that, if felled, would probably reach from Washington to Baltimore, right?

At least, that's what you think as long as you use the mountain in front as your size reference. But hold on. Notice the stars — in front of the mountain. The tiny little snowcaps at the top of the back mountain are bigger than the star. I'm going to be generous and assume those stars are white dwarfs, which are the smallest type of star (this seems reasonable, since the stars are in fact white). The average white dwarf has the same volume (although much more mass) as the planet Earth. There. There's your point of reference: That tiny little dot in front of the mountain is the size of planet Earth. That makes the bear's head — again, we're just talking about the head and not the entire bear — is approximately the size of Jupiter. The whole bear? Well, it's not a sphere, obviously, but from the tip of its nose to the tip of its tail would be about the diameter of the sun.

So here's a bear that's almost as big as the sun, with claws that are larger than Earth, and teeth which are larger than our moon. Do you see what I mean about crapping my pants? It would be bad enough if it were a cute animal this big. A nice puppy this big would be scary enough, especially when it piddled on the carpet. But a polar bear? Those things are mean bastards. You do not want to cross a polar bear. That's why I'm scared.

So what does a polar bear the size of the sun do? Anything it wants, of course (ba-dum CHING!). And here we get to the really disturbing part. What does this animal want to do?

As best as I can tell, he wants to screw the planet Jupiter.

Well, not Jupiter, per se, since that "mountain" is, if we continue our scale, larger than Jupiter, not to mention solid and pointy. But the way he (she?...it is pointy, after all) is grabbing onto it, it seems rather clear to me that sex is in the air tonight. Rather angry sex, if the facial expression is any indication.

I could go on, but this is getting so weird I'm even creeping myself out. I may need to go get the yellow pages and make an appointment. Any time you start making jokes about star-sized bears raping gigantic asteroids, it's clearly time to seek professional help.

Anyway, this logo, like just about every logo this team had back when it was known as the Anchorage Aces, is lacking in any reference to aces. I suppose one could argue that "Ace" is the bear's name, but I'm not buying it. (What does a bear the size of the sun call itse— oh, never mind). So you know already that I don't think this is a good logo. And the colors aren't exactly the most thrilling, either. One of the team colors is called "powder blue". Seriously, that's what they call it. Not only is that a pathetically girly-sounding color, but also it's just a variant of teal, and the whole black-and-teal thing was played out years before this team switched to the color scheme.

In fact, the other Alaska Aces have a logo that wouldn't be any worse for this team, even though it has a basketball in it. The other Alaska Aces, you ask? Yes: it turns out there are two of them. The other Alaska Aces play in the Phillipine Basketball Association, and of course they play in the Phillipines instead of Alaska. Apparently their sponsor is the Alaska Milk Company, and please don't ask me where the milk company gets its name from. Their logo is fairly basic, and the basketball would be odd, but all in all you could use their logo for the ECHL team and the logo would have less superfluous stuff in it than the logo the team actually uses.

However, now that I look at it, that star in the logo means the basketball must be the size of Neptune, maybe even bigger. It's not as scary as a bear, but it still creeps me out a little.

Final Score: 40 points.
Penalties: Region (egregious), 5 pts; Alliteration, 2 pts; Cartoon, 17 pts; Irrelevance, 14 pts; Name-Logo, 2 pts.
Bonuses: None.