Toronto Marlies

57

Those bastards. They broke my Bush League Factor.

If you go through the rules, you'll see that a great deal of them are related to the team's nickname. Even when we get to the logo, there are still points related to the nickname, such as the one about the logo having nothing to do with the nickname.

I never anticipated a team with a completely made-up name.

Sure, I was ready for the made-up compound names like "Ice Bears" and "Sound Tigers". But there's still the root word there. If there wasn't a tiger in the Sound Tigers' logo, I could dock them for that. But how the hell do I determine whether or not there's a marly in the Toronto Marlies' logo? When it was time to do the scoring, I had to improvise quite a bit on this one.

I sincerely hope this trend doesn't continue. I couldn't deal with the thought of teams like the Halifax Grickles or the Seattle Trongs. There's the problem I've alluded to here, which is that it would be the death of the Bush League Factor. But there's a more basic problem, which is that I'd be stricken with a non-stop case of indigestion.

It is at least close to a real word: "marl", meaning a kind of fertilizer. No, not that kind of fertilizer — it's a sand or clay that is rich in calcium carbonate and is used to fertilize lime-poor soil. So I can't say that the team's name is almost the name for a type of shit. But I can say that it's almost the name for something that serves the same purpose.

So is there any marl in the logo? It's hard to tell from the shape, because marl doesnc v f x d r g t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t t e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e

Wha? Huh? Oh, I'm sorry. Looking at that logo made me fall asleep, and my head must have been sitting on the keyboard for a while. Anyway, what was I talking about. Let me scroll up and...oh, yeah, marl. Marl doesn't have a specific shape, so I can't look at the shape and say whether or not there's any marl in there. But I did some searching on the web (you can find anything on the web, and I managed to find this website with some pictures of marls on it, and I was able to establish that marl is not blue. Nor is it white — from the looks of it, it's sort of greyish. So there's no marl in the logo.

I was going to end this entry right there, with some kind of quick one-liner (which I'll probably get back to). But I know some anal-retentive sort from Ontario is going to send me a nastygram if I don't explain that I actually do know where they got the name. The name "Marlboros" has been floating around Toronto since the 1930s, and I suppose someone thought that after that many years it had become a good name. That seems to be par for the course in Toronto. "Maple Leafs" is an absolutely ludicrous name for a hockey team when you think about it, but after eighty years no one questions it anymore although they really should. Let me go ahead and say something that will be regarded as blasphemous but is nonetheless true: If "Maple Leafs" didn't have a sixty-seven-year head start — if the two teams had debuted at the same time — than most hockey fans would think "Mighty Ducks" was a better name.

But in any case, while "Marlboros" may have been the inspiration for the name "Marlies", the fact remains that "Marlboros" is not their name. And they couldn't use it if they wanted (which they clearly did), because there is a youth hockey organization called the Toronto Marlboros. (I find this disgraceful, as I think we shouldn't be encouraging children to smoke, but nobody asked me.) So instead we get a team named the "Marlies", which is close to "marl" than "Marlboro".

They're not, I repeat, not, named after a type of crap.

But boy do they have a crappy name.

Final Score: 57 points.
Penalties: Compound (egregious for being a made-up compound word that isn't even a compound word), 21 pts; Irrelevance (egregious because it is impossible to be relevant to a nonexistent word), 21 pts; Name-logo, 2 pts; Equip-logo (egregious), 8 pts; Yucky-Name, 5 pts.
Bonuses: None.