Teams with asterisks are not yet posted

Adirondack Thunder
Allen Americans
Atlanta Gladiators
Bakersfield Condors
Belleville Senators
Binghamton Devils
Birmingham Bulls
Brampton Beast
Bridgeport Sound Tigers
Charlotte Checkers
Chicago Wolves
Cincinnati Cyclones
Cleveland Monsters
Colorado Eagles
Elmira Jackals
Evansville Thunderbolts
Fayetteville Marksmen*
Florida Everblades
Fort Wayne Komets
Grand Rapids Griffins
Greenville Swamp Rabbits
Hartford Wolf Pack
Hershey Bears
Huntsville Havoc
Idaho Steelheads
Iowa Wild
Indy Fuel
Jacksonville Icemen
Kalamazoo Wings
Kansas City Mavericks
Knoxville Ice Bears
Laval Rocket*
Lehigh Valley Phantoms
Macon Mayhem
Manchester Monarchs
Manitoba Moose
Milwaukee Admirals
Mississippi RiverKings
Norfolk Admirals
Ontario Reign
Orlando Solar Bears
Peoria Rivermen
Pensacola Ice Flyers
Providence Bruins
Quad City Mallards
Rapid City Rush
Reading Royals
Roanoke Rail Yard Dawgs
Rochester Americans
Rockford IceHogs
San Antonio Rampage
San Diego Gulls
San Jose Barracuda
South Carolina Stingrays
Springfield Thunderbirds
Stockton Heat
Syracuse Crunch
Texas Stars*
Toledo Walleye
Toronto Marlies
Tucson Roadrunners
Tulsa Oilers
Utah Grizzlies
Utica Comets
Wheeling Nailers
Wichita Thunder
Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins
Worcester Railers
Fayetteville Fire Antz 50

Notice: All logos on this page are included within the parameters of 17 U.S.C. § 107, which states that the reproduction of a copyrighted work for purposes of criticism and/or comment is not an infringement of copyright. No challenge to the copyrights of these logos is intended by their inclusion here.
Fire Ants are one of those animals that remind me of what a city boy I am. I don't mean that they don't exist in cities (they do). I mean they are a reminder of how absolutely helpless I am in a wilderness setting.

My wife is a much more outdoorsy type than I am. When she was little, her family often went camping, and much of her time at home was spent wandering through the woods near next to her house. I, on the other hand, lasted about six weeks in the Boy Scouts before deciding I hated it and never wanted to go back, and next to my house was a four-lane highway. As a child my wife learned what all the plants in her yard were and how to identify various kinds of wildlife. I learned how to play soccer, hockey, and softball. My wife wants to move from our suburban house into the country where the nearest neighbor is a mile away, while I want to move downtown. You get the idea. I am about as in tune with nature as William Hung is with the songs he sings.

So when my wife and I go out on walks in the neighborhood, she will occasionally warn me that I'm about to step into a nest of fire ants. Invariably, I haven't noticed them. For a long time I was very worried, because she described what it was like the time she was stung by fire ants, and it involved a trip to the emergency room and almost killed her. What it took me a while to realize is that this was because she's allergic. So for some time I was worried that there was this horrible little bug that could kill any poor sap unlucky enough to walk too close to their home, and it's all around us, and I've been oblivious to it all this time. Remember, I'm clueless about nature. This seemed perfectly plausible to me.

So I was a little surprised when I was playing around on Wikipedia and stumbled upon the Schmidt Sting Pain Index, an attempt by an entomologist with too much time on his hands to quantify how much insect stings hurt. The scale goes from 1 to 4, and fire ants rate a measly little 1.2, described as "Like walking across a shag carpet & reaching for the light switch." That's it? I manage to give myself a shock like that a dozen times each day during the winter. And I've been stung by a yellowjacket (at least I think it was a I can tell the difference) before, and that rates a 2.0 ("Hot and smoky, almost irreverent. Imagine WC Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue.") 1.2? I'm not afraid of these little pipsqueaks anymore!

That being said, I think "Fire Ants" is still a good name for a team. Granted, there's a slight irony in using the word "Fire" in the name of an ice hockey team, but a little irony is good for the soul. Since fire ants are insects, they give a lot of people the creepy-crawlies right off the bat. The fact that they sting is also points in their favor. So even if the worst fire ants can do to you is make you feel like you've shocked yourself on the light switch, "Fayetteville Fire Ants" is a good name.

"Fayetteville Fire Antz", on the other hand, is not.

What misguided line of reasoning were these people using when they decided they should spell the plural of "ant" with a Z instead of an S? All I can come up with is that they were trying to be cool. Someone involved with the team must have been hanging out on a message board for the Fayetteville Force (Fayetteville's previous hockey team) and saw some twelve-year-old skateboarding twerp write "Teh Force Rulz!" and decided it would be cool to use Leetspeak to write the team name. This was a mistake. Whoever came up with this idea should have realized it was doomed to fail. This is because attempts by people over the age of thirty to look cool by acting like teenagers always fails. I have a decent understanding of Leet, and can even translate "I pwned j00, suxx0rs!!!!!11!!!" into intelligible English, but did I name this site "Teh 8u$# L34gu3 Ph4ct0r"? No. Why not? Mostly because I think Leet is moronic, but also because I'm 37 years old. Any attempt on my part to look cool by using Leet would make me look like a complete L0s3r-- er, I mean, loser. Indeed, any attempt at all to look cool is going to make me look like a complete loser. I'm 37. It's too late for me to be cool. It is impossible for anyone over the age of 30 to be cool unless they are named Samuel L. Jackson. And do you think he'd be caught dead using Leetspeak? Hell, no. Rest assured that if Samuel L. Jackson wrote this website (and he wouldn't because he's too cool), it wouldn't be called "Teh 8u$# L34gu3 Ph4ct0r". It would be "The Motherfuckin' Bush League Factor, Motherfucker!"

As much as it pains me to admit it, the team did a decent job on the logo. Yes, it's another anthropomorphized animal playing hockey. But really, what else could you use as the logo? Just drawing a normal ant doesn't cut it. And there does have to be an ant in the logo. The only option remaining is what we have here, or perhaps something truly awful like an ant wearing a firefighter's helmet. While I admit I could have a good laugh at the latter option, it's probably best just to stick with the hopelessly cliché. As I've said before, sometimes originality is a bad thing. Also, the drawing of said antman looks stylized enough that it (barely) avoids the "Cartoon" penalty. I could have done without the blade of the hockey stick being on fire, but all in all this is Yes, that's a left-handed compliment, but I'm left-handed, so I'm allowed. Besides, that's probably the nicest thing I've ever said about a logo that involved an anthropomorphized animal playing hockey. So they shouldn't complain. Or, as Samuel L. Jackson would say, "Don't bitch, motherfucker!"

Final Score: 50 points.
Penalties: Misspell, 11 pts; Alliteration, 2 pts; Anthropomorphization, 10 pts; Name-Logo, 2 pts; Equip-logo (quadruply egregious), 25 pts.
Bonuses: None.

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