Rancho Cucamonga Quakes

37

First of all, let me state that "Rancho Cucamonga Quakes" is a very hard name to say. Something about all the velar sounds in the name turns it into a minor tongue twister. Granted, it's not as bad as if there was a team named the St. Petersburg Pickedapeckofpickledpeppers, but it doesn't exactly roll off the tongue like Chico Outlaws, either.

Not that I blame the team or its original owners. It's not their fault the name of the city they happen to be in is "Rancho Cucamonga". For that, you can blame people who incorporated the town under the name Rancho Cucamonga. But they were only naming the city after the rancho that used to be located where the town was going to be. So maybe we should blame the people who named the rancho Rancho Cucamonga in the first place. But that's not entirely fair, either, because they were simply using the name of the Native American nation who had inhabited the area before being displaced by the Europeans. And I'm not inclined to blame the Kucamongan nation for having the name Kucamongan. I'm sure they would have found the name "English" to be rather silly.

But if the team's original owners couldn't do anything about "Rancho Cucamonga", they could have at least chosen something other than "Quakes" to follow it with. After all, "Quakes" has a couple of problems. First, as noted, it's hard to say right after "Ranco Cucamonga". Second, if you're going to use a team name with a local reference, it should be something that sets it apart from other teams in the league — and for a team in the California League, an earthquake reference just doesn't do that. (They're only getting half the points for "Local" as a result.)

Third, it's not easy to come up with a logo for a team named after earthquakes. The logo this team uses proves it. Unable to come up with anything really good, they just went with a BIC.¹ There are cracks in the name which are probably intended to indicate a ripping of the earth's skin, but except for the big rip in the middle, it doesn't work. The rest of them look like the cracks in all the stone implements you used to see on The Flintstones.

But what else can you do? Other sports teams with earthquake-themed names have had similar problems. The California Quake of the Women's American Football League used the same motif, putting a series of rips in a football. The Long Beach Aftershock of the Women's Professional Football League had a seismograph reading under the name. The San Jose Earthquakes of Major League Soccer also had a seismograph reading in their logo, this time across the word instead of under it. So you see what I mean. I'm not saying I like the BIC logo, but it probably was about the best they could do if they wanted to use the name "Quakes".

This is why I think they shouldn't have used that name, nor anything along those lines.

So what should they have used? Well, sometimes you have to go with the approach of a name that is so ridiculous that it works. Something with totally over-the-top wordplay, such as (and these are all real teams, past or present) the Amarillo Dillas, the Buffalo Wings, or the Macon Whoopees. That's what this team should aim for. Ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your approval: the Rancho Cucamonga Cucarachas. The logo could be a roach using four arms to hold a bat. The slogan? "You can't get rid of us!" And I don't have to tell you what their theme song would be. Yes, it's awful. What are you gonna do? Pick a good name? Not in this city, you're not. So go for the gusto. Baseball fans of Rancho Cucamonga, life has handed you lemons. Make lemonade...with bugs floating in it.

¹"Baseball in Circle" logo.

Final Score: 37 points.
Penalties: Alliteration, 5 pts; Equipment, 13 pts; Name, 10 pts; Logo, 12 pts.
Bonuses: Local (half-value), - 3 pts.