Hillsboro Hops

133

I don't particularly care to make jokes about hipsters. There are two reasons for this. One is that it's seriously low-hanging fruit. I know this because one night (when, I hasten to add, I was at the gym on a crowded night and had no control over what channel the TV in front of me was on), I saw part of an episode of Two Broke Girls where they were making fun of hipsters. I'm fairly certain that show has never made a joke that wasn't low-hanging fruit; that show made a joke about hipsters; QED.

The other reason is that I'm not entirely sure how much right I have to be making fun of hipsters. My music collection has its share of indie bands, and an even larger share of prog, which is the "bands you've never heard of" from 40 years ago. (Sure, you've heard of Yes and Pink Floyd, but I've got albums by bands like Banco del Mutuo Soccorso and Camel, for crying out loud.) When I was in college, I had a fedora and wore it often. (Even worse, this was before fedoras were cool.) I can be pretentious as fuck when the mood strikes (See "I've got albums by bands like Banco del Mutuo Soccorso and Camel", above). And I love me some craft beer.

But honestly, how do I review this team without saying something about hipsters? They play in a suburb of Portland, Oregon. And one of the meanings of the team's name* is the plant used to make beer. That gives us both some ironic cred (you named your team after a freaking plant? WHO DOES THAT?) and the craft beer reference. This team is practically begging me to make hipster jokes about it.

Except that I don't really have to. Below I'm going to list the titles of several articles used as sources for the Wikipedia page on hipsters (of course there's a Wikipedia page on hipsters; did you really think there wouldn't be?). The titles may not give you any insight into hipster subculture, but it's an interesting look at what other people think of hipster subculture:

• Kill the hipster: Why the hipster must die: A modest proposal to save New York cool.
• Hipster: The Dead End of Western Civilization
• Poll: Many Americans dislike hipsters, are open to hipster annoyance levy
• What do hipsters and pornography have in common?
• Why Does Everyone Hate Hipster Assholes?
• Sen Orrin Hatch on Keystone Pipeline: Obama traded in "Hard Hat" for "Hipster Fedora"

So enough about the name. Let's turn our attention to the logo and— ah, jeeze. They anthropomorphized the plant, gave it a baseball cap, and stuck it next to the name of the team written in baseball script. Again, any joke I could make would be low-hanging fruit.

Screw it. I'm going to go have a drink and be done with it. And the drink I'm going to have it probably going to be wine, because this logo is ruining any appetite I might have had for beer.

* The other meaning is the various hops a ball can take during play.

Final Score: 133 points.
Penalties: Reference, 10 pts; Alliteration, 5 pts; Script, 7 pts; Scenery, 11 pts; Equipment, 13 pts; Humanoid, 30 pts; Cartoon, 47 pts; Name, 10 pts.
Bonuses: None.