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Hagerstown Suns 104

Notice: All logos on this page are included within the parameters of 17 U.S.C. § 107, which states that the reproduction of a copyrighted work for purposes of criticism and/or comment is not an infringement of copyright. No challenge to the copyrights of these logos is intended by their inclusion here.
Posted 2014 April 10

This logo blows my mind.

I assume that the baseball is supposed to be part of the sun, not positioned in front of it. I assume that in part because the circle formed by the baseball is pretty much in the center of the sun's rays, and in part because the team is not called the Hagerstown Baseballs In Front Of The Suns, which means that the logo must be a drawning of the sun, which in turn means that the baseball must be part of the sun. And with this in mind, there is some seriously crazy shit going on here.

I'm not taking about the fact that the sun has baseball stitching. Fine, whatever. Call it sunspots, call it artistic license. That's not really the strange part.

Nor is the fact that the sun has a nose and mouth. After all, we've all probably seen a hundred different drawings of the sun that gave it facial features. We can't see it because of the sunglasses, but we can safely assume the sun has eyes, and there's nothing unusual there. But we have hit upon the problem:

The sun.

Is wearing.

Sunglasses.

Think about that for just a moment. The sun is wearing special eyewear intended to protect it from...itself. How is that even supposed to work? Sunglasses work by dampening the light rays coming toward you. There are no light rays coming toward the sun. And worse yet, these appear to be mirrored sunglasses. Won't that mean the sun's eyes actually get more light, not less? That seems right to me. Hold on a second. I can test this by putting on some mirrored sunglasses and holding a little flashlight right beside my head at eye level, and I just happen to have some mirrored sunglasses and a miniature maglight, so...

Yes, there's axtually a lot more light entering my eyes that way and oh, ny the way, I can't see a famn thing right now and thank Fod for that touchg typing class I took back in high school. Please gorive any typose in this paragraphj. Can't bne helped; I can't see what I'm tryping. Shjit, I better take abreak before I go any further.

So as you can see, giving the sun sunglasses shouldn't be helping the sun at all. On the other hand, it might be an idea worth pursuing in response to global warming. All we need to do is figure out what material is semi-transparent and has a melting point of higher than 5000°C (9032°F). Then we just have to figure out how to make them, and once we make them we need to figure out how to get them up to the sun. Let's see...the space shuttle (yes, I know it's retired, but I'm just looking for a decent estimate here) has a payload of around 10,000 kg. Let me just work out how much a pair of sun-sized sunglasses would weigh here. Let's see...a regular pair of sunglasses weights roughly 50 grams and is in the ballpark of 12 cm wide, so and to be big enough for the sun they'd need to be about 140,000,000,000 cm wide, so, let me do some calculations here...oh, roughly 1,600,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 kg, assuming I remembered to carry the two. Hmm. Okay, there's a few bugs to work out here. That's what engineers are for.

Only slightly less baffling than the sunglasses is the baseball cap. Again, baseball caps were designed to shield a player's eyes from the sun. I'm fairly certain that's not going to work any better. If you want to test that theory, just grab yourself a baseball cap and a maglight. But don't expect me to do it. My wife has taken the flashlight away from me on the grounds that I can't be trusted with it. And honestly, I suspect she has a point.

Final Score: 104 points.
Penalties: Equipment (egregious), 27 pts; Humanoid (egregious), 30 pts; Cartoon, 47 pts.
Bonuses: None.


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