West Michigan Whitecaps

109

Last week, I reviewed a team that was located over a thousand navigable miles from the ocean but was nonetheless named after an oceangoing vessel. This week, we have something similar...maybe. The West Michigan Whitecaps are, despite the name, not located on the Michigan coast. Instead, they are located along the Grand River in Comstock Park, roughly fifty miles upstream. Comstock Park is a suburb of Grand Rapids, and the name Grand Rapids would certainly imply that somewhere nearby is a point where the water hits some form of obstacle which would result in whitecaps. The problem is that I can't find any such place when I look at the Grand River in the Grand Rapids/Comstock Park vicinity unless you count man-made dams. But I'm just looking at Google Earth; I've never actually been to Grand Rapids. It's definitely possible that I'm missing something. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt as far as the name goes.

I am not going to be nearly so forgiving regarding the logo. The logo is one of those where I look at it and think to myself, "They were trying to be awful, right? Please tell me this was a deliberate attempt to be awful." After all, it features a wave with eyes. Let me say that again so it has a moment to sink in: It features a wave with eyes. Said wave also has what can best be described as a mouth, and in its mouth it holds a baseball. The baseball is so big in relation to the mouth that I can only assume it's supposed to be a ball gag. I've been writing about logos for long enough to have seen some truly strange references on them, but this is the first time I've seen a reference to sexual fetishes. Is there something in the water in Comstock Park to explain this? The water in the logo looks so pure and pollutant-free. There must be some industrial park upstream that's illegally dumping radioactive high-fructose corn syrup or something. That's the only explanation I have.

In any case, there is one problem with the "trying to be awful" theory, which is that it isn't awful enough. I'm reluctant to say that for fear that someone with the team will read this and take it as a challenge, but it's true. If you're going to aim for awful, you can't be half-assed about it. You have to leave no doubt that the team meant to go over the top. This logo doesn't accomplish that. If that's the route they're trying to go down, they need to add some more ridiculous elements (the obvious thought being to put a white baseball cap on the wave). And if that's not the route they're trying to go down, then they need to change course, because trying or not that's the direction they're going.

Final Score: 109 points.
Penalties: Region, 8 pts; Reference, 10 pts; Alliteration, 5 pts; Equipment, 13 pts; Humanoid (egregious), 61 pts; Logo, 12 pts.
Bonuses: None.