Fort Myers Mighty Mussels

192

As part of the massive restructuring of minor league baseball, the Florida State League dropped from being a High A league to being a Low A league. It's not hard to see why: its attendance was the lowest of all the leagues that were kept in the affiliated baseball structure and lower than one or two of the leagues that weren't kept in it. Indeed, were it not for the fact that most FSL teams play in the spring training facilities of their affiliates and thus have lower operating costs than other minor league teams (since they essentially get a stadium rent-free), my guess is they'd have been cut loose. As for why they have such low attendance, let me simply say that I've been to Florida (including Fort Myers) in April, and I could hardly stand the heat then. I'm surprised much of anyone wants to spend baseball season there. I'm guessing the players would avoid it if they could.

The league lost two teams in the restructuring, but aside from that the only change is the Fort Myers Miracle changing their name and logo. "Miracle" wasn't precisely a great name, but I'm sure you won't be surprised to read that I'm not a fan of the "Mighty Mussels" name, either. I've explained before how I don't think naming a team after food is a good idea. Throwing "Mighty" in front of it doesn't help, either. I'm sure they were hoping that since "mighty" implies strength, "Mighty Mussels" would sound more intimidating than just "Mussels", but I'm afraid it doesn't work that way. Consider the dish known as "Death by Chocolate". The equation looks like this:

"Chocolate" = not intimidating (glorious in its own way, but not intimidating)
"Death" = intimidating
"Death by Chocolate" = not really any more intimidating than "Chocolate", honestly

Replace "Death (by)" with "Mighty" and "Chocolate" with "Mussels" and it's pretty much the same equation. The main difference is that Mussels, while tasty, aren't anywhere near as glorious as chocolate.

If it seems like I've been going on a bit long about the name, it's because I've been putting off talking about the logo. Am I the only person who looks at this logo and sees what I see? I'm fairly certain that many people look at this logo and don't see what I see, because if everyone did see what I see then there is absolutely no way it would have even been submitted, much less approved. Because what I see isn't a mussel. It's, um...how do I put this? I don't want to come out and say it, nor do I want to use some silly euphemism. But it looks, um...

Anatomical?

Oh, hell. This isn't working. I'm going to have to just say it, so let me at least be mature (for once) and use the anatomical term. It looks like a vagina with something sticking out of it. What, you ask? Honestly, I don't want to know. But sadly, I think I do know. Let's just say I think he's pointing at the rest of them and saying, "Back off, assholes! I was here first! Get any closer and I'll beat you to death with this bat!"

Or something like that. I guess I didn't do a very good job at being mature for once, did I? But the fact that this is what I see when I look at this logo probably means I'm just not very good at being mature.

Final Score: 192 points.
Penalties: Alliteration (egregious), 11 pts; Humanoid (egregious), 61 pts; Cartoon, 47 pts; Player, 51 pts; Name, 10 pts; Logo, 12 pts.
Bonuses: None.