Fort Wayne TinCaps

161

This team used to have a cool name. This team used to have one of the cooler names in minor league baseball. They used to be the Fort Wayne Wizards instead of the Fort Wayne TinCaps. Calling yourselves the Wizards may be a little bit on the geeky side, but we live in an age where geeky = cool. Besides, it obviously doesn't bother the basketball team in our nation's capital. But somewhere along the way, someone decided it was time to give the team a makeover because the name they had was lacking in...stupidity, I guess? The team claims the name actually won a name-the-team contest, but I'm not buying that for a second. I've been to Fort Wayne, and while it may not be home to as many geniuses as Silicon Valley, the people there aren't that stupid. The only way "Tincaps" would win a name-the-team contest in Fort Wayne is if the other options were Shitheads, Crackpipes, and Kardashians.

If you want to know where the team name comes from, it's apparently a reference to Johnny Appleseed. Johnny Appleseed is buried in Fort Wayne, you see. And yes, Johnny Appleseed was a real person. If you assumed he was a mythical character like Paul Bunyan, that's understandable. There is a certain air of legend about him, as shown by the fact that he apparently has more than one grave. I'd explain how that happened, but first I'd need someone to explain to me how the heck that happened. I know the man had a reputation for wandering, but I'd like to think he stopped doing that when he died. And I mean that I'd really like to think he stopped doing that when he died. I don't want to contemplate the alternative, not even for a second.

Anyway, Johnny Appleseed supposedly wore a tinpot as a hat, and that's where the team name comes from. Think about that: The team gave up the name "Wizards" so they could name themselves after cookware-cum-headgar. Sigh.

Then there's the logo. It would be bad enough if it simply included a person wearing a cooking pot as a hat. That wasn't enough. They had to stick the hat on top of an apple. An apple with eyes and a mouth. With teeth. That's an even less appealing thing to think about than Zombie Johnny Appleseed walking from grave to grave.

Seriously, guys, just go back to calling yourselves the Fort Wayne Wizards. About the only thing that can be said in favor of this name is that it's better than the Fort Wayne Kardashians.

Final Score: 161 points.
Penalties: Reference, 10 pts; Software, 27 pts; Humanoid (egregious), 61 pts; Cartoon, 47 pts; Name, 10 pts; Logo, 12 pts.
Bonuses: Local, -6 pts.