Montgomery Biscuits

154

This ought to be easier than it is.

I mean, come on. The team's named after a breakfast food. A freaking breakfast food! And the logo is an anthropomorphized breakfast food with a butter pat as its tongue. This should be comedy gold. The jokes should just write themselves.

But I suspect that's exactly what they want, and I don't want to give them the satisfaction.

I mean, whoever came up with this clearly wasn't being serious. They were having fun. They'd be in on the joke. They'd be laughing along with me. And I don't want to laugh with them. I want to laugh at them. I want to point at them and go "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!" as loud as I can. And I want everyone to join in, except for them. I want them to be embarrassed. I want them to feel shame. I want to see pathetic tears trickling out of that stupid biscuit's eyes. I don't care if that makes me a horrible person. It's what I want. More importantly, it's what they deserve.

It's what they deserve because while it's bad, it doesn't quite manage to pull off "so bad it's good". For the name to enter into that territory, it would have to be some awful pun along the lines of "Macon Whoopee". (Macon Whoopee is, and forevermore shall be, the gold standard of so-bad-it's-good names. If anyone thinks they know a better one then please tell me because I do truly want to hear it, but I just don't think anything will ever outdo that one.) And to be a so-bad-it's-good logo, it needs to be over the top in multiple ways, like the skeleton pirate that served as the Milwaukee Admirals logo until the team unfortunately came to its senses. The sad fact of the matter is that if you told me there was a team called the "Biscuits" and told me to imagine the logo, what I imagined would have been eerily similar to this. Because that's what you do when you have a silly name like this. You anthropomorphize the object and make that the logo. That's not so-bad-it's-good. That's typical. That's uninspired.

No, if they wanted to get into so-bad-it's-good territory they needed to up their game a bit. Imagine, if you will, a parody of the cover to Herb Albert's Whipped Cream and Other Delights with a biscuit and a metric shit-ton of butter. Or go in a completely different direction and just draw the most realistic looking biscuit possible, with no attempt to anthropomorphize it. You know, something unexpected.

Or maybe start with a more ridiculous name? There is a problem here, which is that this may not be possible. "Montgomery" doesn't lend itself to puns the way "Macon" does. About the only thing that comes to mind is "Montgomery Wards", which is more eyeroll-inducing than anything else. Plus there still technically is a company with that name (the current company bought the name when the original Montgomery Ward went bankrupt). As a general rule one wants to avoid giving one's team a name that will lead to getting sued. So riffing off of "Montgomery" won't work. The only option left is coming up with a name that's so ridiculous that it works as so-bad-it's-good on its own. But as I said, "Biscuits" doesn't manage this, and I don't think you can actually get much more ridiculous than "Biscuits" without descending into the vulgar. So trying that approach is a fools' errand.

Or maybe — and here's a radical idea — they could come up with a name that doesn't actually suck, and come up with a decent logo to go with it. What do you think of that, Biscuit Boy? What do you think of that, you pathetic excuse of a logo?

Oh, are those tears forming in your silly, googly little eyes? Are you going to cry? Are you going to be a little crybiscuit? That's right: cry, you little crybiscuit!

Yes, I am a horrible person.

And I don't feel bad at all.

Final Score: 154 points.
Penalties: Script, 7 pts; Letter, 24 pts; Humanoid, 30 pts; Cartoon, 47 pts; Name (egregious), 21 pts; Logo (egregious), 25 pts.
Bonuses: None.