Teams with asterisks are not yet posted

Aberdeen IronBirds*
Acereros del Norte
Águila de Veracruz
Aigles de Trois-Rivières
Akron RubberDucks
Albuquerque Isotopes
Algodoneros de Unión Laguna
Altoona Curve
Amarillo Sod Poodles
Arkansas Travelers
Asheville Tourists
Augusta GreenJackets
Beloit Sky Carp*
Billings Mustangs
Biloxi Shuckers
Binghamton Rumble Ponies
Birmingham Barons
Boise Hawks
Bowie Baysox
Bowling Green Hot Rods
Bradenton Marauders
Bravos de León
Brooklyn Cyclones
Buffalo Bisons
Capitales de Quebec
Carolina Mudcats
Cedar Rapids Kernels
Charleston Dirty Birds
Charleston RiverDogs
Charlotte Knights
Charros de Jalisco*
Chattanooga Lookouts
Chicago Dogs
Clearwater Threshers
Cleburne Railroaders
Columbia Fireflies
Columbus Clippers
Conspiradores de Querétaro*
Corpus Christi Hooks
Dayton Dragons
Daytona Tortugas
Delmarva Shorebirds
Diablos Rojos del México
Dorados de Chihuahua*
Down East Wood Ducks
Dunedin Blue Jays
Durham Bulls
El Paso Chihuahuas
Empire State Greys*
Erie SeaWolves
Eugene Emeralds
Evansville Otters*
Everett AquaSox
Fargo-Moorhead RedHawks
Fayetteville Woodpeckers
Florence Y'Alls
Fort Myers Mighty Mussels
Fort Wayne TinCaps
Fredericksburg Nationals
Fresno Grizzlies
Frisco RoughRiders
Gary SouthShore RailCats
Gastonia Baseball Club*
Gateway Grizzlies
Generales de Durango
Glacier Range Riders
Grand Junction Jackalopes
Great Falls Voyagers
Great Lakes Loons*
Greensboro Grasshoppers*
Greenville Drive
Guerreros de Oaxaca
Gwinnett Stripers
Hagerstown Flying Boxcars*
Harrisburg Senators
Hartford Yard Goats
Hickory Crawdads
High Point Rockers
Hillsboro Hops
Hudson Valley Renegades
Idaho Falls Chukars
Indianapolis Indians
Inland Empire 66ers of San

Iowa Cubs
Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp
Jersey Shore BlueClaws*
Joliet Slammers
Jupiter Hammerheads
Kannapolis Cannon Ballers
Kansas City Monarchs
Lake County Captains
Lake Country DockHounds
Lake Elsinore Storm
Lake Erie Crushers
Lakeland Flying Tigers
Lancaster Stormers*
Lansing Lugnuts
Las Vegas Aviators
Lehigh Valley IronPigs
Leones de Yucatán
Lexington Legends
Lincoln Saltdogs*
Long Island Ducks
Louisville Bats
Lynchburg Hillcats
Memphis Redbirds
Midland RockHounds
Milwaukee Milkmen
Mississippi Braves
Missoula Paddleheads
Modesto Nuts
Montgomery Biscuits
Myrtle Beach Pelicans
Nashville Sounds
New England Knockouts*
New Hampshire Fisher Cats
New Jersey Jackals
New York Boulders
Norfolk Tides
Northern Colorado Owlz
Northwest Arkansas Naturals*
Oakland Ballers
Ogden Raptors
Oklahoma City Baseball Club*
Olmecas de Tabasco
Omaha Storm Chasers
Ottawa Titans
Palm Beach Cardinals
Pensacola Blue Wahoos
Peoria Chiefs
Pericos de Puebla
Piratas de Campeche
Portland Sea Dogs
Quad City River Bandits
Rancho Cucamonga Quakes
Reading Fightin Phils
Reno Aces
Richmond Flying Squirrels
Rieleros de Aguascalientes
Rochester Red Wings
Rocket City Trash Pandas
Rocky Mountain Vibes
Rome Emperors*
Round Rock Express
Sacramento River Cats
Salem Red Sox
Salt Lake Bees
San Antonio Missions
San Jose Giants
Saraperos de Saltillo
Schaumburg Boomers
Scranton/Wilkes-Barre RailRiders
Sioux City Explorers
Sioux Falls Canaries
Somerset Patriots
South Bend Cubs
Southern Maryland Blue Crabs
Spokane Indians
Springfield Cardinals
St. Lucie Mets
St. Paul Saints
Staten Island FerryHawks
Stockton Ports
Sugar Land Skeeters
Sultanes de Monterrey
Sussex County Miners*
Syracuse Mets
Tacoma Rainiers
Tampa Tarpons
Tecolotes de los Dos Laredos
Tennessee Smokies
Tigres de Quintana Roo
Toledo Mud Hens
Toros de Tijuana
Tri-City Dust Devils
Tri-City ValleyCats
Vancouver Canadians
Visalia Rawhide
Washington Wild Things
West Michigan Whitecaps
Wichita Wind Surge
Wilmington Blue Rocks
Windy City Thunderbolts
Winnipeg Goldeyes
Winston-Salem Dash
Wisconsin Timber Rattlers
Worcester Red Sox*
Yolo High Wheelers
York Revolution
Montgomery Biscuits 154

Notice: All logos on this page are included within the parameters of 17 U.S.C. § 107, which states that the reproduction of a copyrighted work for purposes of criticism and/or comment is not an infringement of copyright. No challenge to the copyrights of these logos is intended by their inclusion here.
Posted 2016 May 29

This ought to be easier than it is.

I mean, come on. The team's named after a breakfast food. A freaking breakfast food! And the logo is an anthropomorphized breakfast food with a butter pat as its tongue. This should be comedy gold. The jokes should just write themselves.

But I suspect that's exactly what they want, and I don't want to give them the satisfaction.

I mean, whoever came up with this clearly wasn't being serious. They were having fun. They'd be in on the joke. They'd be laughing along with me. And I don't want to laugh with them. I want to laugh at them. I want to point at them and go "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!" as loud as I can. And I want everyone to join in, except for them. I want them to be embarrassed. I want them to feel shame. I want to see pathetic tears trickling out of that stupid biscuit's eyes. I don't care if that makes me a horrible person. It's what I want. More importantly, it's what they deserve.

It's what they deserve because while it's bad, it doesn't quite manage to pull off "so bad it's good". For the name to enter into that territory, it would have to be some awful pun along the lines of "Macon Whoopee". (Macon Whoopee is, and forevermore shall be, the gold standard of so-bad-it's-good names. If anyone thinks they know a better one then please tell me because I do truly want to hear it, but I just don't think anything will ever outdo that one.) And to be a so-bad-it's-good logo, it needs to be over the top in multiple ways, like the skeleton pirate that served as the Milwaukee Admirals logo until the team unfortunately came to its senses. The sad fact of the matter is that if you told me there was a team called the "Biscuits" and told me to imagine the logo, what I imagined would have been eerily similar to this. Because that's what you do when you have a silly name like this. You anthropomorphize the object and make that the logo. That's not so-bad-it's-good. That's typical. That's uninspired.

No, if they wanted to get into so-bad-it's-good territory they needed to up their game a bit. Imagine, if you will, a parody of the cover to Herb Albert's Whipped Cream and Other Delights with a biscuit and a metric shit-ton of butter. Or go in a completely different direction and just draw the most realistic looking biscuit possible, with no attempt to anthropomorphize it. You know, something unexpected.

Or maybe start with a more ridiculous name? There is a problem here, which is that this may not be possible. "Montgomery" doesn't lend itself to puns the way "Macon" does. About the only thing that comes to mind is "Montgomery Wards", which is more eyeroll-inducing than anything else. Plus there still technically is a company with that name (the current company bought the name when the original Montgomery Ward went bankrupt). As a general rule one wants to avoid giving one's team a name that will lead to getting sued. So riffing off of "Montgomery" won't work. The only option left is coming up with a name that's so ridiculous that it works as so-bad-it's-good on its own. But as I said, "Biscuits" doesn't manage this, and I don't think you can actually get much more ridiculous than "Biscuits" without descending into the vulgar. So trying that approach is a fools' errand.

Or maybe — and here's a radical idea — they could come up with a name that doesn't actually suck, and come up with a decent logo to go with it. What do you think of that, Biscuit Boy? What do you think of that, you pathetic excuse of a logo?

Oh, are those tears forming in your silly, googly little eyes? Are you going to cry? Are you going to be a little crybiscuit? That's right: cry, you little crybiscuit!

Yes, I am a horrible person.

And I don't feel bad at all.

Final Score: 154 points.
Penalties: Script, 7 pts; Letter, 24 pts; Humanoid, 30 pts; Cartoon, 47 pts; Name (egregious), 21 pts; Logo (egregious), 25 pts.
Bonuses: None.

This page Copyright ©2016 Scott D. Rhodes. All rights reserved