Teams with asterisks are not yet posted

Aberdeen IronBirds*
Acereros del Norte
Águila de Veracruz
Aigles de Trois-Rivières
Akron RubberDucks
Albuquerque Isotopes
Algodoneros de Unión Laguna
Altoona Curve
Amarillo Sod Poodles
Arkansas Travelers
Asheville Tourists
Augusta GreenJackets
Beloit Sky Carp*
Billings Mustangs
Biloxi Shuckers
Binghamton Rumble Ponies
Birmingham Barons
Boise Hawks
Bowie Baysox
Bowling Green Hot Rods
Bradenton Marauders
Bravos de León
Brooklyn Cyclones
Buffalo Bisons
Capitales de Quebec
Carolina Mudcats
Cedar Rapids Kernels
Charleston Dirty Birds
Charleston RiverDogs
Charlotte Knights
Charros de Jalisco*
Chattanooga Lookouts
Chicago Dogs
Clearwater Threshers
Cleburne Railroaders
Columbia Fireflies
Columbus Clippers
Conspiradores de Querétaro*
Corpus Christi Hooks
Dayton Dragons
Daytona Tortugas
Delmarva Shorebirds
Diablos Rojos del México
Dorados de Chihuahua*
Down East Wood Ducks
Dunedin Blue Jays
Durham Bulls
El Paso Chihuahuas
Empire State Greys*
Erie SeaWolves
Eugene Emeralds
Evansville Otters*
Everett AquaSox
Fargo-Moorhead RedHawks
Fayetteville Woodpeckers
Florence Y'Alls
Fort Myers Mighty Mussels
Fort Wayne TinCaps
Fredericksburg Nationals
Fresno Grizzlies
Frisco RoughRiders
Gary SouthShore RailCats
Gastonia Baseball Club*
Gateway Grizzlies
Generales de Durango
Glacier Range Riders
Grand Junction Jackalopes
Great Falls Voyagers
Great Lakes Loons*
Greensboro Grasshoppers*
Greenville Drive
Guerreros de Oaxaca
Gwinnett Stripers
Hagerstown Flying Boxcars*
Harrisburg Senators
Hartford Yard Goats
Hickory Crawdads
High Point Rockers
Hillsboro Hops
Hudson Valley Renegades
Idaho Falls Chukars
Indianapolis Indians
Inland Empire 66ers of San

Iowa Cubs
Jacksonville Jumbo Shrimp
Jersey Shore BlueClaws*
Joliet Slammers
Jupiter Hammerheads
Kannapolis Cannon Ballers
Kansas City Monarchs
Lake County Captains
Lake Country DockHounds
Lake Elsinore Storm
Lake Erie Crushers
Lakeland Flying Tigers
Lancaster Stormers*
Lansing Lugnuts
Las Vegas Aviators
Lehigh Valley IronPigs
Leones de Yucatán
Lexington Legends
Lincoln Saltdogs*
Long Island Ducks
Louisville Bats
Lynchburg Hillcats
Memphis Redbirds
Midland RockHounds
Milwaukee Milkmen
Mississippi Braves
Missoula Paddleheads
Modesto Nuts
Montgomery Biscuits
Myrtle Beach Pelicans
Nashville Sounds
New England Knockouts*
New Hampshire Fisher Cats
New Jersey Jackals
New York Boulders
Norfolk Tides
Northern Colorado Owlz
Northwest Arkansas Naturals*
Oakland Ballers
Ogden Raptors
Oklahoma City Baseball Club*
Olmecas de Tabasco
Omaha Storm Chasers
Ottawa Titans
Palm Beach Cardinals
Pensacola Blue Wahoos
Peoria Chiefs
Pericos de Puebla
Piratas de Campeche
Portland Sea Dogs
Quad City River Bandits
Rancho Cucamonga Quakes
Reading Fightin Phils
Reno Aces
Richmond Flying Squirrels
Rieleros de Aguascalientes
Rochester Red Wings
Rocket City Trash Pandas
Rocky Mountain Vibes
Rome Emperors*
Round Rock Express
Sacramento River Cats
Salem Red Sox
Salt Lake Bees
San Antonio Missions
San Jose Giants
Saraperos de Saltillo
Schaumburg Boomers
Scranton/Wilkes-Barre RailRiders
Sioux City Explorers
Sioux Falls Canaries
Somerset Patriots
South Bend Cubs
Southern Maryland Blue Crabs
Spokane Indians
Springfield Cardinals
St. Lucie Mets
St. Paul Saints
Staten Island FerryHawks
Stockton Ports
Sugar Land Skeeters
Sultanes de Monterrey
Sussex County Miners*
Syracuse Mets
Tacoma Rainiers
Tampa Tarpons
Tecolotes de los Dos Laredos
Tennessee Smokies
Tigres de Quintana Roo
Toledo Mud Hens
Toros de Tijuana
Tri-City Dust Devils
Tri-City ValleyCats
Vancouver Canadians
Visalia Rawhide
Washington Wild Things
West Michigan Whitecaps
Wichita Wind Surge
Wilmington Blue Rocks
Windy City Thunderbolts
Winnipeg Goldeyes
Winston-Salem Dash
Wisconsin Timber Rattlers
Worcester Red Sox*
Yolo High Wheelers
York Revolution
Rocky Mountain Vibes 225

Notice: All logos on this page are included within the parameters of 17 U.S.C. § 107, which states that the reproduction of a copyrighted work for purposes of criticism and/or comment is not an infringement of copyright. No challenge to the copyrights of these logos is intended by their inclusion here.
Posted 2019 May 9

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are going through a national crisis. You already knew this, of course. You've seen the new team names that have debuted in recent seasons. Hartford Yard Goats. Florida Fire Frogs. Binghamton Rumble Ponies. And Amarillo, in an assault on all that is decent in this world, has named its new team the fricking Sod Poodles. No one can deny that these are dark times.

And then it came to light that the new team in Colorado Springs had announced a Name The Team contest, and the finalists were "Happy Campers", "Lamb Chops", "Punchy Pikas", "Throttle Jockeys", and "Rocky Mountain Oysters". And suddenly the question that had seemed so hyperbolic before now seemed a reasonable question to ask: "Can the Republic survive this?"

Then we learned that the team in Colorado Springs had rejected all these names, and we rejoiced...for three seconds. Because three seconds later we saw what they actually went with.

A drug-reference with hot pink flames in the logo.

The team, I have no doubt, desperately wants us to believe the name comes from the much-vaunted, highly vague "vibe" one gets from living in the Rocky Mountains. You know, the same sort of feeling that John Denver wrote about in a song called...oh, yeah! Sure, totally innocent. Nothing to do with Colorado's recent decision to legalize, um, "craft cigarettes". No, sirree. Yeah, right! Their logo is a stick on fire. What else is effectively a stick on fire? And if it's not a drug reference, why the psychedelic hot pink flames? They can claim it's about clean mountain air all they want. I'm not buying it.

If you're still buying it for some reason, let me just point out that their mascot is a s'more. His name is "Toasty Smore". He appears on the team's cap. His hair isn't just on fire, it is fire (with hot pink flames, of course). He's wearing sunglasses and is making a peace sign with his right hand. And just so we're clear on this, this is a very poorly-made s'more. For one thing (although this is a fairly minor point), on a properly made s'more the marshmallow is supposed to be squished flat. But more importantly, the marshmallow is on fire. Now, we all know that when you're in the toasting-the-marshmallow portion of making a s'more, sometimes the marshmallow catches fire. No big deal. But I do believe the proper contingency plan for a marshmallow-on-fire situation is to put out the damn fire before you stick the marshmallow between the graham crackers. Whoever made this s'more didn't do that. Why? Probably because the person who made this is high as a motherfucking kite. Because as the name indicates, this is all one big drug reference. Someone got the munchies and decided to make a s'more and the marshmallow caught fire (which happens to sober people but probably happened to this guy because he's high and was too busy staring at the flames), and the obvious thing to do is blow the damn fire out but he figures he can just eat the thing while it's on fire because like I said he's high as a motherfucking kite and so he's just going to put a burning marshmallow between a couple of graham crackers (I'm surprised he remembered the chocolate) and he's probably going to singe his fingers and he's definitely going to burn his mouth to a crisp and he's not even going to feel pain because, I stress for the third time, this crazy son of a bitch is as high as a motherfucking kite.

Just say no, kids...just say no.

Final Score: 225 points.
Penalties: Region (septuply-egregious), 77 pts; Letter, 24 pts; Colorful (egregious), 63 pts; Irrelevance, 39 pts; Name, 10 pts; Logo, 12 pts.
Bonuses: None.

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