Wichita Wingnuts

47

A few years ago I wrote reviews for the Danville Braves, Gwinnett Braves, Mississippi Braves, and Rome Braves. These teams all came one after the other (a consequence of the order I'm reviewing teams in), and their logos were all extremely similar, so I decided to underscore that fact (and save myself some effort) by writing a single review and just plugging in minor changes to the review to reflect the minor differences between the logos. In case anyone missed what I was doing, I actually kept the replaced text, struck through, in the later reviews. (If you're having trouble picturing this, use the links above to check out first the Danville review than the Gwinnett review, and it should become clear.)

I'm tempted to do something similar here and just blatantly recycle the review for the Lansing Lugnuts. There are plenty of parts that would work. The opening sentence? Yeah, that's perfect here. The entire second paragraph? I'd have to find something to replace the bit about Michigan, and I can't think of anything that fits in place of the "Lansing Boils" joke, but all in all that paragraph is fairly applicable, too. (Certainly the "most ridiculous idea imaginable without being awesome" would fit in this review.) But after that it stops working. This is in part because the Wingnuts, unlike the Lugnuts, actually have a wingnut in their logo (the Lugnuts have a bolt in their logo), and in part because the Wingnuts mascot isn't nearly as scary-looking. But even if I could find a way to rework that, I'd resist the temptation because I actually have something to say here. I doubt anyone involved with the team reads this, but on the off chance that they do, I'd like to request that person forward the following to whoever is in charge of merchandise for the team:

Dear Sir or Madam,

Why don't you sell wingnut hats??? I'm not talking about baseball caps with the Wingnuts logo on it. I know you sell those. I'm talking about hats shaped like a wingnut. Your logo features what I assume is supposed to be a person with a gigantic wingnut on top of his head. It doesn't take a lot of imagination to view the wingnut on the man's head not as an actual wingnut, but as a hat shaped like one. And you really ought to be selling those. What better way for a fan to show what a diehard fan he or she is than by trying to look like the character in the logo? Don't tell me none of your fans would do that. I haven't been to any games in Wichita, but I've been to enough games in enough other cities to know that it's a general rule that fans will buy anything. Cheeseheads? Cheeseheads are nothing compared to some of the stuff out there. You can actually buy coffins with team logos on them. And you can buy doormats with your favorite team's logo on it (although it seems to me you'd want to buy a doormat with your least favorite team's logo on it). Fans will also wear anything, especially to the actual sporting event. Fans might never wear that wingnut hat anywhere but to the game, but trust me, they will wear it to the game.

You're also missing out on other opportunities. Your jerseys say "NUTS" instead of "WINGNUTS", and you do sell some outfits that say this. But you don't sell jockstraps that say that. Yeah, it's not the most tasteful thing in the world. And perhaps it wouldn't be the biggest seller. But they'd be really cheap to make, and some people would buy them just for the gag gift potential. Also, if you sell jerseys and baseball caps that say "NUTS" (and you do), that should give you cover for the jockstrap. You're just providing the same sort of sports equipment that your players use, all specially branded with the team logo.

There are a few other things I think you're missing (you don't even sell mini-bats?), but most of the things you don't sell are merely missed opportunities. The wingnut hat, however, goes beyond that. It goes all the way into the realm of "moral imperative that you are failing to meet". You owe it to yourselves, your fans, and the human race in general to start selling those hats. As for the jockstraps, they're hardly a moral imperative, but drop me a line if you start selling those. I need to pick up a few gag gifts.

Final Score: 47 points.
Penalties: Alliteration, 5 pts; Script, 7 pts; Equipment (the eyebrows are baseball stitches), 13 pts; Name, 10 pts; Logo, 12 pts.
Bonuses: None.